I saw something really goofy a few weeks back on the CBC-TV’s Dragons’ Den.
The investors (i.e. the Dragons) were being pitched on a huge, inflatable toy that allows a person to literally walk on water.
Jesus complex aside, the user climbs inside the clear plastic ball and walks and tumbles across the water.
I was curious to see how long it would take the demonstrator to pass out from lack of oxygen. That didn’t happen and neither did the deal go through with the Dragons.
But the human bubble does have a future. I see this clearly now.
The hysterical, politically-correct screeching about sports-related head shots and injuries is just about reaching its peak.
Matt Cooke – the skinniest goon ever in the NHL – was recently suspended for the remainder of the regular season and the first round of playoffs for another stupid head shot.
The NFL, meanwhile, is toying with moving kickoffs forward to the 35 yard line. That would mean virtually every kickoff will become a touchback and would thereby eliminate the jobs of thrilling kickoff return men.
I guess if the new rule is approved, a fat guy like me could get a job as “kick returner.” Hey, I can still catch the ball!
The NFL’s reasoning for the proposed rule change is player safety. Too many are injured when giant, fleet-footed men race downfield and collide with each other. Go figure.
So, in the spirit of the wussification of North American contact sports, I suggest that every athlete needs their own plastic ball shield.
Think of the spectacle of football players colliding at full speed and bouncing up to the nosebleed level seats!
I’m still working on the feasibility study of how to prevent skates from puncturing the protective air pocket. But, in the spirit of the never-say-never salesman, I say it’s doable.
It also has applications for non-contact sports.
Those cute pixie gymnasts will never again suffer the agonies of broken limbs and crushed spirits when they fall off the uneven bars.
And think of the health dollars we could save by ending the weekly parade of wounded skateboarders to the emergency room.
We could even surround our vehicles in plastic bubbles and rename our highways: Bounce-a-rama Route 101 and so on.
The possibilities are endless. No more hitting, no more injuries and absolutely no human contact. I’m certain the bubble can even help prevent the spread of disease.
Bubble boy nation, here we come!